I am going to whine for a second because feeling bleh.
I don’t tend to post things terribly personal on here if I can avoid it. I dunno, my brain still can’t get past this silly outlook that the internet is a dangerous place for me because I’m fucking 23 and I am not going to be preyed on by creepy pedo guys but I still feel a little awkward talking about my life and such, but I gotta vent today somehow and texting has been irritating with my phone’s keyboard dropping vowels…
So I’m poly, and me and my primary partner had decided to start a triad with a girl that we both thought was pretty great. This was 10 months(ish) ago. So I was having a lot of difficulty in the relationship, my partner wasn’t, but most of it was a lack of communication between me and her, and he tended to be the middleman a lot. Before she left campus we had gotten into a lot of fights, things were pretty low for me, and I was feeling a lot of guilt about resenting her slightly about taking up time with him because our alone time was very limited. Anyway so I talked to him about how I felt and we came to the conclusion that I needed to end the relationship with her. We went and talked to her and things went in a weird direction because I’m easy to pressure and don’t like hurting people, and now we’re on a break I think????
I dunno, all I know is that while I care about her, and want her to be happy. I’m not being fair to her to stay in something that I feel negatively towards and her friendship means a lot to me, I don’t want us to have one fight too many and end up hating each other’s guts.
So right now I’m done with the relationship and I was probably done at least romantically months ago, but he’s still really invested and despite being willing to talk about possible V formations for our relationship, he’s not wanting to do anything like that because I’m his primary and he doesn’t want to do anything to hurt me. Which is sweet but also kind of self-sacrificing and ugh, I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t know if a V formation would even fix the issues I had with her in our relationship before or make them worse because a lot of it was irritation with how little time me and him got alone and I don’t even know how I feel about any of this.
And on top of this she’s supposed to live with me next semester and won’t talk to me at all since we broke up (went on a break???). Fucking HA!
All in all this whole situation has been ridiculously complicated and uncomfortable and I don’t know how to feel about a lot of things but I’m mostly just stressed the fuck out. Like, what the hell am I supposed to do? No matter what I do someone’s going to be unhappy but I’m tired of being near suicidal levels of depression because of guilt tripping myself all the time over this fucking relationship. I care about her, and of course I care about him, but things weren’t working on one front and if that’s the case I can’t keep kicking a dead horse.
Ah man I dunno what to do. Just need to relax and stop stressing about housing and stuff.
*sigh* and the topper on this is I got a rejection letter today from the Ruth Lily folks. Didn’t even make finalist. Just beating myself up about all this shit is exhausting.
Anonymous said: Tinaaa you are one of the most wonderful people
You are a sweet person and I got this at a really good time :) thank you sweet anon.